One of the most challenging parts of death for those left behind may be knowing how to comfort the grieving.

It can be quite a minefield, treading carefully not to offend or hurt.  And sometimes you just don’t know what to say.

I had that happen more than once.  Here’s what happened one time . . .

When one of my patients died unexpectedly years ago, I went to the viewing.

He was a special needs man whose mother adopted him when he was a child.  He was a kind gentle man, and his mother was very proud of all he did.

I really didn’t know what to say, except to express my grief and sadness at her loss. And if it seemed appropriate to express how deeply I would miss him too.

His elderly mother firmly grasped my hand and clung to me.  As it turned out, she did all the talking.

And I just held her hand while she talked.

Sometimes words are not necessary. There’s much that can be conveyed by your tone of voice, your eyes, listening, or just being there.

So how can you comfort the grieving beyond what to say in a sympathy card?

Here are some suggestions . . .

♥ First do no harm. This is the first rule of medicine, and a good one when contacting someone who’s grieving.

The bereaved is in pain.  And you don’t want to add to it.

Let them lead you in what to say.

How?  Well one way is to avoid asking about the death, which can cause them to relive their pain.  Instead offer to be available to listen when they want to talk.

If you don’t know what to say, you’re not alone.  Just say that.  Or that you’re sorry to hear of their loss and are speechless.

People understand not knowing what to say. It’s much easier to not say anything than to try to take back the wrong words . . .or words that can be misinterpreted.

♥ Ask before bringing food. With many people on special diets, it’s hard to know what they can eat.

And while offering comfort food is meant well, many times appetites are touchy during stressful times like grief.

Instead of bringing food automatically, you could ask if they need any.  Possibly something might be needed if there’s a large family coming.

Or consider a gift card to their favorite restaurant.  Including a takeout menu can be a thoughtful gesture.

♥ Offer to help with something you know how to do.

While helping navigate the maze of forms and bills can be a blessing, it depends upon how close you are to the bereaved, and how private they are.  Not everyone will accept help with finances.

But maybe you can make sure they are getting the help they need.  A surviving spouse may need help dealing with bills and other paperwork.

There are likely phone calls to be made to inform insurance companies and other businesses of the death.

Does the grass need mowed or the driveway shoveled? Sometimes when one spouse has taken care of these things the remaining is at a loss of what to do.

Or maybe it’s laundry . . .grocery shopping . . .or housework.

♥ Does the bereaved need transportation? A surviving spouse may not want to drive immediately after a death.  Or may not be physically able to drive.

Or may just want company while running errands.

♥ Is there someone to answer the phone or make calls? Can you offer?

♥ Before sending flowers or other gifts, consider the family’s culture and religion.
What’s appropriate in one setting may not be in another.

You may need to ask or search online for what’s appropriate.  Often the funeral home will know what type of service the family is having.

Here’s a link for some religious traditions for grieving.

How about a more lasting gift instead of flowers?  A donation to the deceased’s favorite charity can be a lasting memorial.

♥ Share a happy memory of the departed. Writing a note and sharing how he helped you in a particular situation is a lovely gift.  It can be cherished and reread by the bereaved.

♥ After the funeral, stay in touch. While everyone reacts to grief differently, no one wants to feel abandoned.

Continuing phone calls or notes can be a blessing to someone who is grieving.

Asking them to join you for coffee . . .lunch . . .or a movie can remind them you still care for them.

♥ Don’t let them down. If you promise something . . .do it. Write it down on your calendar and keep your commitments.

Do you know . . .?

In a study from the 1960s the death of a spouse ranked as the highest lifetime stress.

That study did not look at the death of a child, which many experts feel is as high or greater a stress.

Are you wondering how to help someone with a loss feel special?

Try the tips above for inspiration.

How about taking the “I Am a Gift to the World Challenge” with someone who has a loss?

You both might be inspired.  And the lives you change might just be your friend’s — and yours!

May you have a safe caregiving journey . . .good health . . .and happiness,

Dr. Ina

Caregiving With Purpose

Disclaimer:

The information on this website is for educational purposes only. It does not replace information or recommendations from your own physician or other health care provider. This site does not advocate medical or other health-related self-care, and encourages you to obtain advice from your own personal physician or other health care provider.

This web site is not intended to replace medical, financial, legal, or any other professional advice. Please use your own good judgment and consult with your own professionals before applying any ideas found within this website.

Disclosure:

I may have a marketing connection to a brand, topic or product listed on this website. Through the use of affiliate links contained herein, I may collect fees from purchases made.

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Writing sympathy cards can be difficult.

Why?  Well often you may also be in shock from an unexpected death.  It’s hard to think when you’re grieving too.

Plus it’s difficult dealing with people in pain and fresh grief.

And sometimes you just don’t know what to say in a sympathy card.

Let me share with you some of my experiences . . .

I remember several sympathy cards that stood out.

Some were touching and memorable.  A shared memory or two.

Two of them were written by folks who credited my parents with making a difference in their lives — and the writers graciously shared brief explanations of how.

My parents would have minimized their roles.  Still I think they’d be pleased that their help is still appreciated decades later.

One of the most touching messages wasn’t in a card . . .

Instead, it came months later in an email.  And filled in some information about one of my parents as a young adult, uplifting my spirit.

Information my sisters and I never knew.

Priceless.

On the other hand, some cards were — well — not personal or memorable.

 

 

 

 

Yes there are some challenges in expressing your sympathy . . .starting with just what to say in a sympathy card.

But that shouldn’t stop you!

Remembering the ones left behind can be an invaluable gift from you. Maybe it’s part of your journey or mission.

So how do you figure out what to say in a sympathy card?

Frankly there’s no one answer.  Here are some tips to get you started . . .

1)  Send a real card.

Not an e-card, which is impersonal and may get sent to a spam filter.  And not a computer page with a computer-generated signature.

If you’re good at crafts, you can make a card yourself.

And certainly if you have the right software, a computer generated card printed on card stock can be lovely.

Be sure to sign it rather than having a computer printed signature.

2) Make it personal.

Write a brief line or note in your own handwriting.  If you have a happy memory to share about how the deceased made a difference in your life that is a nice added touch.

This isn’t the best time to share a funny story.  However, depending upon the situation you could offer to share a smile or tears about the deceased when the bereaved are ready.

Just taking the time to personally express your sympathy is a lot.

3) Don’t add to the pain of loss.

The loved ones are grieving.

And likely feeling pain in their hearts.  Maybe pain for what they’ve lost . . .what they didn’t do, or . . .even what might have been but cannot ever be now.  This is not the time for flip answers, or to remind the family of anything unpleasant.

Don’t dwell on the circumstances of death or give advice.  Just express your sorrow at their loss.

Don’t know what to say?

How about starting with something like. . .

My deepest sympathies in the loss of your ____.

My heart hurts for you in your time of loss.

Our thoughts are with you at this time.

4) Offer to help if you can.

Adding a simple line along the lines of “Call me if I can be of help” or “I’m here if you need to talk” are often very welcome.

It shows how much you care for the survivors.  Even if they never take you up on it, it’s often comforting to know how much friends and family care.

5) You’re thinking and/or praying for them, so tell them.

Some people find this one tricky.  Afraid of offending if they offer prayers . . .and afraid of offending if they don’t.

Sounds like a no-win situation, doesn’t it?

It really depends upon the family and you.  If they know you’re a pray-er, likely they’ll accept your sincere statement of prayer.  You may be more comfortable acknowledging in writing your thoughts are with them.

How can you express this? You could start with one of these . . .

You and your family are in my thoughts.

You’re in our thoughts.

We’re thinking of you in your time of loss.

And if you feel comfortable expressing you’re praying . . .

You and your family are in my prayers.

You’re in our thoughts and prayers.

We’re thinking and praying for you in your time of loss.

6)  Close with respect and sincerity.

Some closings you may find helpful include . . .

With deepest sympathy,

Sending you our sincere condolences,

Thinking of you,

7) Keep it honest and sincere.

If you can only say a few words that’s okay.  Some of the most heartfelt cards and notes are very short.

Do you know . . .?

Death of a loved one is among the highest stresses people face.

Seeing how your body responds to stress can be helpful in learning how to change your response to negative emotions.

Have you heard about HeartMath’s Personal Stress Reliever?

It’s a unique program that helps you see how your body reacts to stress and offers drug-free solutions.  Check it out now by clicking here.

May you have a safe caregiving journey . . .good health . . .and happiness,

Dr. Ina

Caregiving With Purpose

Disclaimer:

The information on this website is for educational purposes only. It does not replace information or recommendations from your own physician or other health care provider. This site does not advocate medical or other health-related self-care, and encourages you to obtain advice from your own personal physician or other health care provider.

This web site is not intended to replace medical, financial, legal, or any other professional advice. Please use your own good judgment and consult with your own professionals before applying any ideas found within this website.

Disclosure:

I may have a marketing connection to a brand, topic or product listed on this website. Through the use of affiliate links contained herein, I may collect fees from purchases made.

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